the-quiet-dominant:viciousvix3n:fortheloveofasubmissive:Feeling Lost When those of us who play
the-quiet-dominant: viciousvix3n: fortheloveofasubmissive: Feeling Lost When those of us who play with BDSM or are engaged in a D/s relationship partake in a scene it is not uncommon to feel utterly immersed in one another in a way unlike other forms of human interaction. So singularly focused are we on one another as Dominant and submissive that the outside world seems to fade into a distant memory or disappear altogether. Indeed this is what we strive for. In our total immersion in sensation and each other our minds are freed and uncluttered for a time. In our bond and bondage we feel comforted and secure. It is a unique experience, difficult to describe to the uninitiated. Yet when the scene is over, the intense feelings and sensations cease and the ropes and bonds are removed, ironically our freedom becomes a prison of its own. We can feel empty and suddenly alone. No longer the focus of intense attention and interaction with our partner we feel a sense of loss that brings with it a malaise and despondency; a sense of feeling utterly lost. This is where aftercare becomes so important. Much attention and emphasis is given to the need for a Dominant to provide the nurturing aftercare necessary to successfully carry a submissive through this tender and vulnerable time. But it may surprise many to know that Dominants suffer similar feelings of despondency and loss as well as a result of the cessation of their own endorphin high or the stress of a scene. Most often Dominants are left to “deal with it” themselves and “be the strong one.” But rest assured, the emotional intensity of a BDSM scene leaves a hangover of its own on nearly every Dominant just as it does for submissives. There is no doubt that Dominants have a deep responsibility to nurture and care for their submissives through the post-scene period and beyond. But in reality, the Dominant also needs the care of a submissive as well, though perhaps in less obvious ways. The dependency between a Dom and sub does not end with the scene. It lives on in their mutual need for one another in aftercare and the relationship beyond. It is important to remember this: when the ropes come off, so does the armor that protects our inner selves. Both Dom and sub feel suddenly vulnerable and perhaps even a little lost. Each needs to be aware of the other’s needs and vulnerabilities in this crucial time. But it goes further. When Dominant and submissive are separated by great distance the sense of loss and disorientation can be even greater when they are forced to part. When Dom and sub in long distance relationships come to together face-to-face, their experiences can be overwhelming to the senses and, under the pressure of limited time, can be necessarily intense. Time spent together is often a peak experience where every minute passes in a high state of alertness and attention. So focused are the two on one another that again the world around them fades into the distance and outright disappears. But when that time is over and both have to return to their respective homes and lives, reality of everyday life and the world around them comes crashing in. The normalcy and even boredom of everyday life pales in comparison to the intensity lived only hours or days before in the company of their submissive or Dominant. It is as though the ropes have come off all over again; only this time there is no one there to provide aftercare or to share in the common experience at all. Indeed, those around us in our respective home lives may exacerbate the problem because they do not know or understand what we are going through. It is in these times that submissive and Dominant can feel most lost. Loneliness, despondency, depression, and boredom, combine with frustration and irritation at those around them who are not willing or able to provide the care and comfort that is needed. It is a lost and lonely feeling to go home after days or weeks in the 24/7 intensity of the D/s relationship only to be greeted with the pressures and tedium of everyday life. Suddenly the things and people in our lives do not seem so important any more. Like coming down off a high, we crave to return to the drug of our submissive or Dominant. We want more. We need more. More. Without it we are lost. This is to some degree the dark side of living the intensity of a D/s relationship. Within that relationship colors seem brighter, feelings seem stronger, our sense of security and comfort more absolute. We feel, perhaps more than any other time, whole and complete as people, as though some hole that has always been within us has been filled. But when we go back to our everyday lives that hole opens back up again and we feel lost; we wander around listlessly looking for something to fill it again. We long for our partner who does that so well and so completely for us. What I am describing are the very feelings I experience in the aftermath of time spent together with my Muse. Indeed, I believe they mirror the feelings she experiences as well. Our time together is always a series of peak moments one after another. Our hearts are full when we are together and our minds awash in the feelings, sensations, experiences, and just plain warmth and comfort of one another’s presence. Take that away and we are lost for a time. We go home and stumble around through life feeling empty and alone even when surrounded by friends, coworkers and family. And each time we are together that recovery period grows deeper, longer and more difficult to climb out of. Is this bad? No, not necessarily. But it is not pleasant either. In this vulnerable time we need more than ever to be there for one another. To maintain our contact and reassure one another that even though we are not in each other’s physical presence, we are very much emotionally present. Distance does not mean being alone; lonely perhaps, but never alone. The days and weeks following our time together requires another form of aftercare altogether. It is a time of vulnerability and even sadness. We both require that aftercare equally from one another; reassurance, presence and acknowledging our feelings and confronting them together. It may not change the outcome, but it certainly helps to navigate the feelings. Aftercare and the need for it take on many forms. We tend to think of it solely as something that should be consciously undertaken in the minutes, hours and days after a particularly intense BDSM scene. But rest assured that aftercare is just as critical at other times in the course of a D/s relationship and should be approached with the same seriousness, awareness, and intent, as one would apply post-scene. As Dominant and submissive, we are deeply attracted to and reliant upon one another in many different ways; even when, and perhaps especially when, we are apart. We owe it to each other never to allow the other to feel lost or alone. Originally posted on May 12, 2013 Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013 Image Credit Unknown ♡ Such accurate truth -- source link