I’m perfect in my imperfections. I’ve been having another ‘Dark Night of the Soul&
I’m perfect in my imperfections. I’ve been having another ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ experience… feeling lost, feeling drained, feeling tired. From the past low vibrational energy that’s weighing me down. I‘ve been ashamed of my feelings. I been keeping it all bottled up inside. Searching for external validation to make me whole which just left me empty. Pouring love from an empty cup. Being molested made me crave sex from the time I was a child. I crave it but fear connection. I crave it but hate the men who’ve harmed me. I crave it but I’ve never really allowed myself the pleasure of the experience. I’ve had sex 4 times in my life. I’ve given my power away in those situations. I said yes to sex without a condom even though I knew the risks. I said yes when I wanted to say no. To further victimize myself I compromised my values and it made me feel worthless afterwards. The 4th time I had sex was with the first love of my life. I’m 26 and I ‘should’ve’ had many first loves by now but there were years when I was afraid to leave my bed, when I was depressed, when I was anxious and couldn’t see past the fear. I finally opened myself up to love… So when I had sex with this man I wanted it to be my everything. I had molded myself into what he desired to try to please him… to win him over… to save him… so he’d love me back. That’s not my job though. That’s Gods job. I was living in toxic feminine energy trying to seduce a man and allowing myself to be seduced with fantasies and false promises. I realize now that a man who loves himself doesn’t treat his Queen disrespectfully. God is the only way I can find myself again. Being in love with myself and God’s plan for me is my first priority even though I’m afraid to be alone. I know that is the ego’s sweet lie coz it’s full of fear, doesn’t know any better, and tries to protect me. I’ll be ok alone though. And the next time I have sex it will be pleasurable, enjoyable, and I’ll be fully present in the moment and grateful to connect on a soul level with another human being. I’m in a body to experience things and it’s ok to be a sexual being. It’s ok to be sensual. I am worthy. I am love. I am forgiveness. Peace (at Mount Shasta, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/BxnHx2OFXCa/?igshid=16h486ui3pbbw -- source link