It’s not a secret on my blog that I have been battling with anorexia for quite a while now. I&

It’s not a secret on my blog that I have been battling with anorexia for quite a while now. I’m not ashamed to write personal updates about it, or post about it on social media. Recently, however, I have been thinking quite a bit how the illness has impacted on me and on my passion for the fashion industry  fashion itself., and whether fashion really effected how my mental health problems devolved. Now I’m in a healthier place I’m ready to look back and see how it has really effected me.When I was first admitted into hospital in Oxford in 2014 I had a few professionals question my choice of degree (Fashion Management with Marketing ) saying they didn’t think it was exactly helpful studying fashion. But I can 100% tell you now that studying fashion, and the industry as a whole, was never the reason why I developed anorexia contrary to what the media tells us. I told them that my degree was more behind the scene, more about the business side, which in all fairness it was. Even as recently as last year when I had a meeting with my current consultant, she questioned my choice of occupation at the time (last year I was working for a local online retailer). I told her the company cared more about attitude than looks. However, I’ve been questioning myself about how helpful is it to me that I work for Miss Selfridge in my local shopping centre and am constantly surrounded by out of proportion mannequins who wear a size 8, are 6ft tall and have size 4/5 feet.I know rationally that it’s not real; no one is really that size. When I was really ill I had this sick and twisted satisfaction that I was thinner than those mannequins. Now, deep down I know I looked awful; clothes just hung off me and I had no shape whatsoever. Though at the time I had a fixation that clothes looked better on skinny people, which I’m ashamed to admit. This is what the illness does. It puts thoughts into which at the time you 100% believe. But they aren’t really your thoughts.I’ve never really had an issue with body image as I’ve always been on the slim side. People at work comment on how skinny I am but with the comments comes the pressure to stay that way, and the need of constant reassurance. With anorexia comparing is a common feature of the illness. I know it’s not rare for girls not to compare themselves to other girls, but anyone with anorexia knows we can take things to extreme. We want to be the best, better than average,110%. Anything less is unacceptable.I know that since working at Miss Selfridge I often have reoccurring feelings to those I did at college and university (again where I was surrounded by girls nearly all the time). I can recall having “anorectic thoughts” from the age of 15 but it didnt become a problem when I started a levels and the pressure to fit in got to me. With the added stress of home problems and school I could feel myself getting out of control. I slowly began to focus so much on how I looked , my weight and food. I remember one textiles class I was just sitting there thinking how fat i felt and before I knew it spring came around and I found myself sitting back in that class surviving of a few grapes and raisins a day. I clearly knew I had a problem , i was so desperate for someone to come up and asked if i needed help but no , no one would. I felt so alone and lonely thinking “why was nobody helping me , they obviously didn’t care”. Now and again I feel these feelings again especially when working around a bunch of girls. Like i’ve said it feels like college all over again.It’s not that I don’t want to work in fashion, because that’s been my dream, but I’m wondering if it’s the thing that’s getting in my way of recovery? Every time time i get really ill fashion was always in my life,whether its just coincident or not its got me thinking .  But it’s even the small things that have been effecting me quite a bit for a while and that’s only working in retail -I haven’t even started properly within the industry yet. When I say full recovery is what I want, I mean full recovery. Not just in terms of physical weight gain, I want to maintain a healthy weight with a normal attitude to food and body shape. I want the constant comparing to stop, the negative self talk to go away, not wanting to loose weight, and really just accepting me for who I am.Can I have full recovery working in fashion when how you look and come across is put under a microscope? There is a pressure to make sure you always look “on point” and being surrounded by models who look like they haven’t eaten in days. It’s bad enough for the illness to be surrounded by beautiful girls at work let alone stick thin models being thrown in.I have been thinking recently that maybe a career in mental health nursing specialising in eating disorders, helping people achieve the things that anorexia has ruined for them, is the way to have a successful career and get more out of life.I’m not saying that fashion can’t be a part of my life because I’ll be forever in love with the industry, and have been since i was 13.Now, though I know how destructive this illness is and I honestly don’t know if I can handle have a career in fashion and potentially putting my mental health and physical health at risk because it could take one small thing to set off a relapse.I can say, though that fashion didn’t cause my eating disorder but it may have contributed to it without me realising .The true cause of me developing anorexia may never be known. Just don’t always believe what the media says about people developing anorexia because of wanting to look like models, my goal was never that. #OOTD’s can be found onmyinstagram @rebecca.lucyy -- source link

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