salzstreuer:makingprettywords:^(April 26, 2014)^My name is Kaci Madison, and I want to tell you a st

salzstreuer:makingprettywords:^(April 26, 2014)^My name is Kaci Madison, and I want to tell you a story.  No, actually I don’t want to.  I’m self-conscious, and this is the first picture of I’ve ever posted on Tumblr, but a girl is dead, like so many others, for a stupid, stupid reason.  So I’m going to tell you anyway.I’m trans: born male, raised as a boy, but I guarantee I’m most certainly a girl.  I have the luxury of parents who aren’t total assholes.  In 2009, before graduating high school, I told them both.  My dad checked out every book at the library.  My mom gave me old clothes.  I picked the name Kaci when I was 9 years old, and I gave my mom the freedom to pick my middle name since I’d taken my old name away from her.In July 2009, I started testosterone blockers.  I was 18 years old.In February 2010, two weeks before starting estrogen, I tried to kill myself.  I’d never be a good enough girl.  I’d never be the person I wanted to be.  I’d just be another guy playing make believe.  I had friends over.  I couldn’t talk to them.  My mom was upstairs.  I downed a handful of pills and fell into a hard sleep.Police officers were at my door.  An online friend had called, worried about me.  I didn’t go to the hospital, but my mom monitored me the rest of the night.  I threw up a lot.  I cried a lot.I started estrogen in the beginning of March.  And I thought I was moody before…I moved away from home, to a school hours away, to transition on my own.  I had no friends.  Suicidal thoughts plagued me.  I drank a lot, though I was only 18.  I let people take advantage of me, and I did horrible things.  Just to feel validated.  Just to have somebody like me.I moved home in May 2011.  I met my best friend.  My pills had changed me in ways so trivial, so small, and so metamorphic, so different.  I had my friends again.  I had confidence, as little as there was.I went to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter’s anniversary celebration:I moved to Australia for an entire year, all the way on the other side of the world.  I visited the Sydney Opera House and the Harbor Bridge.  I got to see a really cool bookstore.  I rode the trams in Melbourne, and went to the beach.  I got to go to Questicon and experience a solar eclipse.  And I even saw the World’s Largest Ram!I lived to turn 21.And I met an emu! (His name is Chuck.)In 2012, when I came back to the U.S., I spent the holidays with my family as a girl for the first time in my life.  My sister curled my hair, and my grandma wrote “Kaci” on my gifts.  Since then, I’ve seen Niagara Falls,revisited Wizarding World for the Diagon Ally expansion,(the girl with me is named Alys, btw, and she’s my best friend)and got a job, as a girl, as me, where I can apparently play with parasols without getting fired!So sure, I’m single and lonely, I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and I’m probably the most anxious person you’ll ever meet.  I’m still depressed sometimes, but I don’t think about suicide anymore (even if I still sometimes think about hurting myself).  Things aren’t perfect, things don’t get perfect, but fuck do they get better.Leelah said things couldn’t get better for her, but I know she was wrong.  I know, because I was at that exact place in my life, only what I took didn’t kill me.  I’ve had some great cards dealt to me.  I know that.  My parents, my friends, even my age.  But the feelings… they really aren’t that different.  And I promise, even though it feels that way, it is NOT hopeless.I’m 23 years old, and I’ve been living as a girl for four of those years.  I take pills every day.  I don’t live with my parents.  I’m not a success story, but I’m a possibility.  I’m as much a future for any trans person as Leelah is. She wanted the world to be better, for everyone to be better.  She wanted a place where you didn’t have to die to find peace.  I’m not posting pictures of myself to be self-indulgent: I’m hoping you see what she couldn’t.  That things change.  People change.  You /will/ change.  You’ll be who you want to be.  Please don’t give up, please don’t let her down…I am always available to talk.  If you have any questions, any bad thoughts, any fears… you have me, too.  I swear, I will always be there for you if you need me.  There is so much more than now.  Please… stay.Ask box is open.Skype: makingprettywords-KaciYou are so brave and beautiful.Exactly what that salzstreuer said. You have my deepest respect and, believe me, those pictures are really beautiful, you are really, really pretty! I really like your hair .w.  -- source link

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