spookyfatbabepower:So this is me 5 years ago, at my thinnest, vs. me today. Back then, I’d just been
spookyfatbabepower:So this is me 5 years ago, at my thinnest, vs. me today. Back then, I’d just been put on 90mg of Adderall and it was WAY too high of a dose for me. I wasn’t sleeping. I couldn’t stop moving. I was literally starving myself, and each day that I went without eating felt like a victory. I shrank myself drastically in two months’ time.Everyone in my life- even my then-psychiatrist- congratulated me on my rapid, extreme weight loss. Not one person confronted me about my starvation, or my dramatic personality shift. My BP was low, I became severely anemic, and I felt dizzy and faint constantly. Not one person seemed to notice how miserable I was. No one noticed I was killing myself. All I kept hearing was, “Oh my GOD, you look great! Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!” It all ended when I lost my insurance and couldn’t afford psych care any longer. I went back to my usual weight when I stopped the Adderall. Everyone in my life was disappointed in me, but I was healthier (I have a hormone imbalance, mental illness, bone disease & autoimmune diseases, so I’ll never be actually healthy- but I felt better). No one cared. To my friends, family & coworkers, I was just another failure who “couldn’t keep the weight off”. Now, I’m back on Adderall- a lower dose that increases my quality of life. I no longer see that psychiatrist- he’s retired now, thank god. I made a huge friend shift after that experience and cut a lot of fat phobic people out of my life. I still tend to starve myself compulsively when I’m stressed out, but I’m in therapy, and I’ve surrounded myself with friends & a wonderful partner who are supportive of me enough to call me out whenever I start going down that road again. Having a real support system who’s not afraid to call bullshit on me when I start showing negative behavior patterns has been so important and valuable. Babes, being thinner won’t solve all your problems. I’m a size 24/26 and the happiest I’ve ever been. I hang out with friends. I go on road trips. I work out. I live, I love, I have great sex. I enjoy life, I eat, I treat self-care as a sacred ritual. I’m loved and happy and cared for. What else is there to life, really? I was born diseased and disabled. I’ve never been healthy. I’ll never be healthy. This doesn’t mean my life is doomed to drudgery, depression and frumpiness. Health should NEVER be treated as a barometer by which we decide how worthy of love and respect a person is. Healthy or not, I’ve a right to take up space, and I do so happily & without apology. -- source link