boutardieu:Elagabalus : Emperor of Rome - HE DID IT FOR THE VINEOh, what I would give for Hollywood
boutardieu:Elagabalus : Emperor of Rome - HE DID IT FOR THE VINEOh, what I would give for Hollywood to make a sword-and-sandals biopic about the life of Emperor Elagabalus - though Disney’s The Emperor’s New Groove comes pretty damn close.Alright, Tumblr, sit down for a minute and let me tell you all about Elagablus because there’s not a single minute of his life that isn’t drop-dead HILARIOUS.Born in a very matriarcal family, young Varius was pretty much bossed around by women his whole life. His aunt, grandmother and mother conspired to put him on the imperial throne through military insurrection, and pretty much ran the entire government while he was out partying. He even forced the Senate to let his mother attend meetings and votes, where she stood amongst the Consuls. She remains the only woman in roman history to have been awarded this honor.Inherited the Roman Empire at the ripe age of fourteen, mainly because he looked like his precedessor. Managed to survive only three whole years after that.Advocated religious tolerance, or rather proposed that all the religions in the world were actually about him. He had an entire temple built for the sole purpose or self-worship and forcefully dragged there every single relic or priceless religious artefact of the time. Most dear to him was a black fragment of meteorite that his family worshipped in Syria.Created a new religious holiday which got really appreciated by the populace since he distributed free food. He forced senators to watch him dance naked in temples and sanctuaries, and many of his unorthodox rituals involved himwalking backwards.Caused a huge scandal when he kidnapped the Head Virgin Priestess of Vesta so he could marry her and therefore produce “divine children.” After all, he was a god, and priestesses are supposed to be wed to the gods, right ? Right ? Nothing came out of it, however, because he just found girls so. Fucking. Damn. GROSS. He eventually returned the priestess to her temple with her viriginity intact.During his short life, he still managed to marry five women, which he all promptly divorced with no children. Married two guys in a polyamorous relationship, two greek mercenaries named Hierocles and Zoticus. When that didn’t work out, he got all bitter about love and all that crap, and decided to spend 24/7 in a non-stop homesexual orgy. The shift rotation of male prostitutes was alledgedly phenomenal.Wore make-up, painted his eyes, shaved and epilated his body-hair. He summonded the greatest scientific and medical minds of his time to determine whether a sex-change operation was possible.Popularized (and probably invented) the Whoopee Cushion. NO, I DID NOT MAKE THAT UP. He used it mostly at parties but also at some political gatherings.When finances of the Roman Empire were in dire straits, he proposed to prostitute himself for an insanely high price. The motion was rejected (if only because no one in the Roman Empire would have been able to afford his per-hour rates). He still tried to do it discreetly, though, and felt very insecure when other male prostitutes got more clients.Favorite way to unwind : inviting people to a ginormous feast and spiking their drinks with sleeping drugs. His guests woke up in a bear pit or surrounded with lions. The animals were trained not to attack people, mind you ; Elagabalus had little taste for blood, he just enjoyed watching people shitting their pants.Got assassinated through another army uprising, when generals learned that he was planning on killing his designated heir, Alexander the Severe. Alexander was much more popular than him, due to him being serious, and, you know, actually competent and interested in affairs of state. It is highly possible that Elagabalus got killed over a stupid misunderstanding ; it seems unlikely that he would order the assassination of Alexander, since he had chosen him as his heir on the demand of his mother. Very nearly escaped death by hiding in a chest, but soldiers saw through his ruse and he died in his mother’s arms. -- source link
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