Mother was overjoyed when she saw me wearing the heels she bought me almost a year before. I wa
Mother was overjoyed when she saw me wearing the heels she bought me almost a year before. I was really beginning to worry. Where there was a time that I was so appalled by my mother’s eccentric love of the idea of me in girls clothes, and engaging in all kinds of awful feminine things. How I promised myself that I would never wear anything she bought me, or change in any way she so desired…. that I would never become a fairy…… Yet over time, the were a certain number of things I would gradually get used to the idea of, that would loose much of their stigma… dare say it…. things I somewhat warmed to. Yet when I gradually made these concessions, such as when I let my hair grow much longer than was appropriate for a boy, or when I wore the high heeled shoes mother bought me, that I convinced myself, that it wasn’t such a big deal, that it wasn’t like I was going to start wearing the dresses mother bought me. That I wasn’t coming to like boys. Yet still, over time I found myself wondering what I would look like in certain dresses, then promising that it wouldn’t go any further, when I would try on a number of them, secretly in my bedroom. And how simultaneously, I was coming to think less and less about girls, while my anxieties lessened towards the Playgirl magazines mother bought me and placed under my bed. How I promised myself, that in spending whole evenings locked away in the secrecy of my bedroom, looking at the men in these magazines, that I wasn’t going to start thinking of them as “sexy” or “hunky”. That when I put one clipping of a scantily clad muscular male with a physique that I “admired”, among the posters of women in my bedroom, I promised it would be the only one. That it wasn’t as if posters of naked men were coming to replace the posters of girls… -- source link