Cocooned She didn’t remember her childhood specifically. It wasn’t an archive sh

Cocooned She didn’t remember her childhood specifically. It wasn’t an archive she could conjure up in her mind, pulling the appropriate date and file out so that she could load it into the projector, watch everything as it happened. Her specific memory only went back a few years, at best. Even the teenage years were just a montage.  But what she did remember were sensations. Feelings that echoed throughout her life, had a crystalline effect on her. They served as the foundations, blueprints from which everything else was built. Being safe under her parent’s roof. Being alone, scared, happy, bored, amazed. Each emotion etched onto her like fingers in drying cement, frivolous at the time but infinite after it.  It didn’t make her feel nostalgic, or that she’d lost anything by not having a clarity of vision. Instead she felt almost grateful, because experiences would sneak up on her now, as an adult, and they’d echo the sentiments that felt so earnest when she was a child. Amazement gave way to the common place, as the unique experiences diminished each time she discovered a new way the world worked. Being astonished, now, was even more valuable. But safe? That had always alluded her. She’d tried to expand her parameters, throw herself into the riskiest situations in the hope that her mundane life would somehow seem safe in comparison, but it didn’t work. She just felt bored, thrilled, then bored again.  In the end, it wasn’t a collar that did it. It wasn’t even a flogger, a thorough spanking, or the sweet things he’d whisper into her ear as he’d tie her to the bed or even when he undid all the knots and pulled her into his arms. They were just more skydives, another bungee jump.  It was both. All. Everything. It was having the pain and the pleasure, but more than that it was having someone else doing them, instigating them, pushing her to the extremes and then pulling them back again. She’d forgotten that the safety she was craving wasn’t intrinsic. She wanted to be taken care of, not wrapped in a cocoon of homogeneity with occasional outbursts of thrillseeking.  Not that she wouldn’t jump out of the odd plane now and again.  -- source link

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