Paul thinks this is how my problems work, this is how he gets so mad at me and can’t see h
Paul thinks this is how my problems work, this is how he gets so mad at me and can’t see how much it hurts. He thinks its a circle that’ll break if i take one step out.“You feel bad for feeling bad, and you say you DO bad because you’re bad but the only proof you have of being bad is what you do so of you stopped thinking you were bad you’d stop the circle right there.”My proof of how bad i am is not something i like to dangle around in front of myself seeing as its why i am so hopeless and violently hate myself. But i know im bad because im in my head, i experience my being, im there when i feel like throwing up or staying in bed or not answering the phone even though something is needed of me.im in my head for my existence where i know people around me deserve better and i want better for them yet i feel and see how i put myself and my pathetic feelings before them.i saw when i was throwing up in the shopping centre and my cheat felt REALLY weird and i thought “i might die from this” yet i did it anyway! i see it every time i fail another day abusing food to be able to ignore my pain. i see it when i care about my pathetic feelings instead of putting the effort into getting back to the controlled thoughtful person i was, on a mission to be good.i know how much i want to cut, to die, to sleep, to avoid all this pain when i know if i want anything that actually matters to me to not be completely fucking destroyed by the parasite that is me, then i need to be better.Its not a circle. i don’t just do bad things because i think i’m bad. People forget that i hated myself before all this, when i was thoughtful and fighting for truth goodness beauty, doing the things that hurt because they were right, constantly fighting to find out what was right and trying to do it… . .i did that by knowing i was bad and needed controlling. There weren’t obvious “proofs” of my badness then. It was all inside me, the monster i had to control if i wanted to protect what is most valuable. Just because now i waste money time caring and food its easy to point at that and ignore the full meaning, say “stop thinking youre bad and you’ll stop being bad”. But that’s EXACTLY what made me so disgustingly, obviously, unforgivably, parasitically bad now. Telling myself i deserved better just let the monster free.And my life is over.And has been for years.And i can’t tell you why or how im still here. -- source link
#reality#paradox#circle#monster#eating disorder